Quite an Undertaking: Devon's Story Page 14

  “Oh, c’mon, Dev. What do you have to lose? He’s a great guy.”

  I knew she wasn’t going to let up, and the guys were almost on us.

  “Hey, just drop it. Okay? Can we talk? Tomorrow?” I had to tell her about me, and I had to do it soon because I couldn’t take the pressure anymore.

  “Oh, but, me and Travis are—”

  “Can’t you guys be apart for two minutes? God!” Maybe it was the pressure of the guys approaching, but I couldn’t help my mini explosion. I felt bad instantly, but it was already out there, and I couldn’t take it back.

  She looked at me for a long time, long enough for Mike and Travis to reach us. Mike handed me my hot chocolate, and Travis handed Gail hers.

  I thanked Mike and took a sip. I wished the hot chocolate was actually hot because my outburst at Gail had turned an already cold evening colder.

  “Hey, honey,” Gail grabbed her boyfriend’s arm. “I hope you’re not disappointed, but me and Devon want to go to the mall tomorrow to do some Christmas shopping. Can we go to the movies another time?” Gail must have had her sixth sense radar going and understood that I needed my best friend. She gave him her best boo-boo face.

  I could tell that he couldn’t resist her. She had him wrapped around her little finger. “Sure,” he said. “No problem. I wear a size large and prefer my jewelry gold.”

  “Ha, ha,” Gail said with exaggerated mirth. “Don’t worry, honey, I’ve already got something special planned for you.”

  I looked at Mike and grimaced. He rolled his eyes in agreement.

  The Grasse River fire chief got everyone’s attention when the microphone squealed so loudly we had to cover our ears. As the chief began introducing the various Grasse River dignitaries on stage, I noticed Mike shuffle toward me until our arms touched. I wasn’t sure how to move away without making him uncomfortable, but, hey, I was already uncomfortable, so I broke contact and moved closer to Gail. I think he took the hint because he didn’t try to move closer again.

  After what seemed like two hours of speeches, I looked at my watch. The actual lighting of the tree was long overdue. I shook my head. I wanted to get this stupid Christmas tree lit and go home.

  “What?” Mike asked so quickly that he must have been watching my every move. Kind of the way I did with Rebecca. It was not a good feeling.

  “Oh, uh, I was just thinking that these things take so long.”

  “Yeah,” he said and held my gaze.

  I looked away quickly. There will be no eye gazing, young man. I hoped he heard my loud thoughts.

  The chief started the countdown to the tree lighting, and Gail smiled at me. She must have witnessed my awkward exchange with Mike. I smiled back and was glad she and I were still okay. At least I hoped we were still okay. I wondered what she’d do when I came out to her at the mall the next day.

  MY MOM PULLED the car up to the main entrance of the Maplewoods Mall. “What time should I pick you girls up?”

  I took off my seatbelt and looked at Gail as if consulting her mentally. “Uh, well, it’s eleven now, so maybe three?”

  Gail nodded.

  “Okay, you girls have a good time and be safe.”

  “Okay, Mom. Thanks.” I got out of the car and met Gail on the sidewalk.

  After the tree lighting ceremony, Gail had been smooth getting Travis to drop Mike off first and then me. I’m sure Mike was confused about the shortened evening, but Gail just acted as if that was all we had planned to do. I had less than four hours to figure out a way to come out to her. I called Missy earlier that morning for a consultation, but she advised me against telling Gail. I thought about it all morning, but decided to go against my big sister’s advice. Missy said I might lose my best friend, but I prayed that Missy was wrong, for once.

  “Hey,” Gail said, “let’s hit the toy store. I want to get Travis a Corvette. He wants a real one, but a toy one’ll have to do this time.”

  “Sure.” I unzipped my coat and stuffed my gloves in one pocket and my scarf in the other. I felt like an Eskimo.

  We reached the toy store, and Gail headed off to the toy car section. I wandered around and found myself in front of a shelf filled with stuffed animals. The display made me think of the black and white panda bear I had thrown in the trash at school. I sifted through the miniature stuffed animals, and a devious plan sprang to mind. Rebecca told me to forget about her, but I was too far gone for that. I picked out a penguin, a dalmatian, a whale, a cow, a zebra, another panda bear, and a skunk— although I’m not so sure the skunk was a good idea. If I had the nerve I’d begin implementation of my newly developed, highly devious plan on Monday.

  “You’ve got a boatload.” Gail watched me dump the stuffed animals on the checkout counter. She had a bag in her hand, so she must have found the little Corvette she’d been searching for.

  “Yeah, I got lucky.” I didn’t elaborate, but was ready to lie if she asked. I was going to say that they were for Missy because she had a black and white comforter or something.

  We left the toy store and started walking toward the Sears. Every store in the mall was jammed with Christmas stuff and each one blasted a different holiday song. The cacophony of sounds added to the thundering mental clock ticking down on freaking out my best friend.

  A group of French-speaking Canadians walked by us. Gail nudged me in the arm. “Half of Canada is here, eh?”

  “Shut up, eh?” I giggled. Ah, this was the Gail I knew. I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard after all.

  We passed by the jewelry cart where I bought my new earrings with Rebecca three weeks before. An overwhelming sense of nostalgia overtook me.

  The sales woman must have sensed me staring her direction because she looked up from her customer and smiled. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas.” My heart started pounding. Did the sales woman know? How could she?

  “Who was that?” Gail asked as we walked on.

  “Oh, I don’t know. I bought earrings there a few weeks ago. Maybe she remembered me.”

  “Weird.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  Gail wanted to look at the next cart, and my heart almost stopped. Glass snow globes filled one side of the cart. They were the same kind of snow globes that my grandmother collected. I picked up the closest one and shook it. The snow drifted around two tiny deer and pine trees. My grandmother would have loved this one. She loved the Adirondack Mountains. I felt my chest tighten, and my heart grow heavy. I shook the snow globe again mesmerized by the falling plastic flakes. Tears were in my eyes before I could stop them, and the falling snow became a blizzard in my blurred vision. I squeezed my eyes shut hoping I wouldn’t break down sobbing in the mall. Despite my best efforts, a stream of tears started falling down my cheeks. I felt a protective arm go around my shoulders which startled me into opening my eyes.

  “You okay?” Gail asked.

  I started to nod, but the look of compassion in her eyes sent me over the brink. I shook my head and buried my face in her shoulder. I cried. I couldn’t help it, and I didn’t care if anyone saw me.

  When I caught my breath, Gail said, “C’mon. Let’s go over here.”

  She took the snow globe, put it back on the cart, and shuffled me to a blessedly empty bench. I used the sleeve of my jacket to wipe at my tears.

  “Sorry.” I attempted a laugh.

  “It’s okay, Dev. What happened?”

  I took a deep breath and held it. When I was sure I wouldn’t start crying again, I exhaled. “Grandma collected those.” Tears welled up in my eyes again as I pointed to the cart.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. This must be so hard for you. Christmas and all.” She patted my hand in consolation.

  “Yeah.”

  “Hey, you know what?” Gail’s voice was perky.

  “What?”

  “You know what always makes me feel better?”

  “What?”

  “Ice cream.”


  I laughed and let myself be led to the busy food court. Instead of ice cream, we decided on lunch. After we got our food, we claimed a table from a couple of senior citizens who were just getting up. I took the paper off my turkey wrap and took a bite. I hadn’t had breakfast, so I was hungry, especially since I’d gone for a run that morning in the frigid temperature after calling Missy. I had been trying to clear my head, but the bitter cold made my lungs burn so much that I only went out about a half mile.

  Gail opened her roast beef wrap. “Okay, so you dragged me out here to the busiest mall in the free world for some reason. What is going on with you?”

  My stomach tied itself up in knots. I thought I was ready for this. Maybe Missy was right, maybe I shouldn’t tell Gail yet. Missy told me once that I had a set of brass ones. Darned if I could find them at that moment.

  Gail pushed on. “Do you have big news or something? Or maybe you just missed me.” She batted her eyelashes and smiled, but the curiosity was plain on her face.

  I put my wrap down and took a sip of my green iced tea. I kind of felt like throwing up, actually, but Gail had already witnessed enough of my bodily fluids for one day, so I took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

  Gail obviously couldn’t stand my reticence anymore. “Dev, you’re killing me here. What is it?”

  I felt my blush creep down my neck. Gail must have seen it because she said, “What? Did you murder someone?” She attempted a laugh, but it was unconvincing.

  I faked a laugh. “No, dork. I just have to tell you something that’s really hard for me.” I looked around to see if anyone was listening.

  Gail looked around, too and leaned in closer. She whispered, “What is it? You’re scaring me.”

  My stomach clenched again, and I heard myself whisper, “I think I’m gay.”

  Gail’s eyes grew wide. “Gay?” she said way too loudly. “How do you know you’re gay? I mean, you’ve never, like, been with a girl, right?” She hesitated before she said the word girl.

  “No, but…I mean you knew you liked guys before you were with Travis, right?”

  It was Gail’s turn to blush. “Okay, okay, I get that.” She took a sip from her iced tea bottle. “Did you just figure this out?”

  “No.”

  “When?”

  “Eighth grade.”

  Gail’s eyes grew wide. I could see her absorbing the information. She didn’t say anything for so long, that I thought maybe I had truly freaked her out. I mean I was this big lezzie sitting right next to her at the mall.

  “Gail?” My voice sounded loud as I broke the increasing silence.

  “I’ve known you for, what, eight years, and you’ve been gay almost half that time?”

  “I guess so.” I shrugged, and my insides trembled. I hoped Gail didn’t see how much my hands were shaking as I took a sip of tea.

  “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  She gasped. “Oh, my God. Mike!” She dropped her sandwich as if it bit her. “Oh, how awkward. I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

  “I know. I didn’t know how to deal with the whole Mike thing myself. That’s why I had to tell you today. Aaah,” I faked a scream. “I couldn’t stand the pressure.”

  “That’s why you didn’t want to go to Bruster. Eeks, I’m so sorry.”

  “That’s okay, but I’ve got to figure out how to make Mike go away without revealing my secret. You know?”

  “Yeah, and the sooner the better.” She held her sandwich out toward me. “Switch?”

  I took her roast beef wrap and asked, “Why do we do this?”

  “Because we’ve been friends forever, and you should have told me sooner.”

  “I know.” I smiled at her and hoped we could still be best friends. “Are you okay with, you know, me?”

  “Yeah, dork. It’s just going to take some getting used to. That’s all. Tell me one thing.”

  “Okay.” The glint in her eye relaxed me a little.

  “Did you ever have a crush on me?”

  “No!” I said quickly.

  “Phew.”

  “Hey! Why phew?”

  “Oh, I didn’t mean anything by that.” She tried unsuccessfully to suppress an embarrassed grin.

  “Hey, don’t tell Travis.”

  Gail didn’t say anything. She’d probably been deciding how she was going to break my news to Travis.

  I said, “Not yet. Okay?”

  “Oh, okay, fine. Spoil my big news. I’ll just tell him you needed consoling about your grandma with Christmas coming. Which you kind of did, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess I did.”

  We clinked sandwiches in salute.

  “Hey,” she pointed to a blonde shopper walking by, “is she cute?”

  “I don’t know.” Her question surprised me. “What am I some kind of expert now?”

  “C’mon, help me out. I’m trying to figure out your type.”

  I laughed and thought about Rebecca and her beautiful dark brown skin. Gail wouldn’t figure that one out in a million years. “I don’t have a type.”

  “Everyone has a type.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know what that is yet, okay?”

  “Am I pretty?” Gail looked at me with complete fabricated innocence in her eyes.

  “Yes, you are, but I’m not attracted to you. Okay?”

  “Okay, okay. Just asking. Hey, how about her? She has a nice butt.” Gail nodded toward a girl walking by, probably a college student.

  “Cut it out, dork. Don’t make me regret telling you.” I rolled my eyes for her benefit, but inside I was saying my own phew in relief.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Operation Black - and - White

  MRS. GIBSON’S VOICE at Monday morning’s staff meeting barely penetrated the thousand other thoughts running through my head. I snuck a peek at Mike. He grinned when he saw me look at him. I refocused on Mrs. Gibson and felt my face flush. Obviously, Mike still had ideas about me. About us. This was going to be a long Monday.

  Mrs. Gibson dismissed us to our assigned tasks, and I powered up my computer. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Mike turn on his computer as well. The computer stations were aligned in a u-shape around the room, and Mike usually kept his back to me, but he had turned his computer slightly. He wanted see me better, I guess. As if to prove my point, he turned his head to look my direction. I had to stop this. Right away.

  I needed to talk to Mike about the rifle team, anyway, because after going to what I thought was a girls’ rifle match, I found out that girls and guys competed equally on the same team. Talking to Mike about the rifle team might help break the ice for what I really needed to tell him.

  I snuck another peek. He was hunched over his keyboard typing away. He was busy. Maybe I shouldn’t bother him. I started to open up the girls’ swimming file on my computer, but stopped myself. It was now or never. I sat up tall in my chair and grabbed a notepad and a pencil. I didn’t really need the props, but I wanted something to hold onto.

  The squeaky wheels of my chair announced my journey to Mike’s station. “Hey, Mike, you got a minute?”

  He saved his document. “Of course. Anything for you.”

  I swallowed. He wasn’t making this easy. “I notice that we, uh, share a team.”

  “We do?”

  “Rifle.”

  “Oh, yeah. They’re mixed. Okay, what do you want to do?”

  I shifted slightly in my chair. “I don’t know. I guess we could share the space.”

  “That sounds good. What about reporters?”

  “I had Mary Schneider assigned to the team, but we can use your reporter if you want.”

  “No. Jason Whitney was doing both basketball and rifle, so I’ll pull him off rifle. I don’t think he was that interested in it, anyway.” He winked at me as if including me in some kind of inside joke.

  I swallowed again, not sure how to say what I needed to say. “All right. I’ll let
Mary know she’s flying solo on the rifle team. I also, uh, wanted to thank you for a nice time on Friday.”

  He beamed at me, and his cheeks flushed.

  “I have to tell you, I…” God, this sucked. I looked into his expectant eyes and cringed. Just say it, you coward! “Mike, I just want to be friends. Okay? Gail pushes too hard sometimes. I like you, but just as a friend.” I knew I was kind of babbling, but I had to get it out.

  He folded his arms, and I could see him processing what I’d just told him. After a moment, he sat up straighter in his chair and leaned away from me a bit. I felt bad for hurting him, but it was better not to lead him on.

  “Okay,” he said after a long pause. “I’m down with that. I kind of had a feeling anyway.”

  I grimaced for his benefit. “I’m sorry. I meant what I said about staying friends, though. You’re a great guy, and I’m sure there’s somebody out there for you. Somebody great. It’s just not me.” And maybe someday I can tell you why.

  “Okay.” He nodded his head toward his computer. “I should get back to this wrestling article. Mrs. Gibson’s starting her rounds.”

  I turned to see Mrs. Gibson hovering over one of the kids on the other side of the room. “Oops, yeah. I’d better get back. Thanks Mike.”

  “No problem.”

  I wheeled back to my computer annoyed that eleventh grade was getting so hard.

  GAIL AND I had the lunch table to ourselves because Travis was making up a physics lab or something.

  “Great sports section in the paper today, Editor Raines.” Gail tapped the open newspaper in front of her.

  “Thanks. Everybody seems to think so.” I plopped into the chair next to her. “I’ve been nervous all day long.”

  “Your first editing job is kind of a big deal.”

  “I know. Hey, I talked with Mike this morning.”

  “Ooh! Do tell.” She thrust the paper aside and looked at me with expectant eyes. I had her full attention. “How’d he take it?”